Slacking 101: A Beginner’s Guide

New to slacking? Start here. We cover the fundamentals of doing less, from strategic sighing to the advanced art of looking busy.

So you want to slack off, but you don’t know where to begin. Don’t worry — that hesitation is already your first step toward greatness.

Rule #1: Never Rush

Rushing burns calories and raises expectations. Both are to be avoided. Move at the speed of a screensaver.

Rule #2: Master the “Loading” Face

Whenever asked about progress, adopt a thoughtful, slightly pained expression and say the magic words: “It’s compiling.”

Rule #3: Automate the Illusion

while (boss.isWatching) {
    typeRandomly();
    frown();
}
sleep(8h);

That’s it. You’re now qualified. Go lie down.